Recognizing patterns within yourself can be eye opening when you’re somewhat completely oblivious to your own behavior. The other day I watched Tracy McMillan on Own talking about dating and marriage and why so many women weren’t married yet. She made some really good points, none of which were new to me per se but just said in a way that related to the conversations I’ve had with girlfriends over the last few years. After I watching the interview I decided to read the blog post that started that started it all (Why You’re Not Married Yet @HuffPost.com) and ordered her book, Why You’re Not Married Yet: The Straight Talk You Need To Get The Relationship You Deserve.
After the interview I started thinking about my own dating and relationship woes and whether or not I even want to be married in the first damn place. Tracy say’s to just admit it, you want to be married, so for the sake of not lying to myself I’m willing to admit that yes there are times that I think I want to be married but I am no where near marriage material at this stage in my life. But to be really honest I’m not all that certain as to what exactly marriage material is in the first place. I can’t say that it’s because I didn’t have good role models and all that deep psycho babel, because that could partially be the case, but truth be told my parents were committed to one another for the majority of my life and they legally married when I was about fourteen. Their relationship seemed like a functional one although void of emotional expressiveness from my vantage point as a child, they seemed to get along ok. I would say that I was more so oblivious to their relationship primarily because I don’t recall paying much attention to their interactions. I wasn’t the most self involved child but I do recall being left alone a lot so when your by yourself all the time you don’t have to think about anyone else but you so that’s mostly what I did; think about what I wanted, what I liked, and what would work best for me.
I liked being alone because it gave me a sense of independence which is no different in my adult life, I’m alone now but I’m not lonely. So the idea of marriage to me is like a fairytale, something that happens for other people but not necessarily for me. Someone asked once if I really wanted to get married and if I actually wanted to have children, my first response was yes of course, but now that I’m in my thirties and really thinking about this marriage shit I’m beginning to wonder. In theory it sounds good and the friends I have who are newly married and happy make marriage look all sugary sweet and what not but I don’t know. I’m starting to think I’m becoming anti-marriage because I’ve been single for so long and have become accustomed to my independence and the freedom that goes along with it. I’m sure the skeptics will read this and say “oh she’s just bitter” or “she’s just saying that because she thinks she’ll never get married”, truth is I’m not bitter and I do sometimes feel like I’ll never be married but that goes back to my last statement about being free and independent. Marriage sounds good in theory but maybe it’s just not meant for me or maybe I just haven’t found the man who’s meant for me and I for him, shit who knows but at this point I’m content with working on myself and getting me together. The beauty about life is that we have time to decide what we want right? I won’t rule out the option out because any thing is possible!!