I’ont know if marriage is my high calling. I’m just going to be honest with myself. The mere thought makes me shudder. I look around at my friends that are married with kids and can’t think of a single thing I want to do less. But I’d like to chill out… maybe be in a relationship (Read: Have more regular secks, since I don’t have any cut friends anymore *sigh*). Here’s the shit that trips me up in dating:
- I’m a guy on the inside. No, no. I’m not the trash ass Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” girl/guy. My NATURAL instincts operate like a dude. Ego and all. Most of the guys I have dated confirm this, as do my friends. I CAN be “pink” and girly, but THAT’S what requires effort. I’m a mess.
- Making someone else my priority. Like. I want to do better with this. And I try sometimes. But when I’m living the slash/slash life, I can’t drop everything I’M doing to make a guy feel important.
- a- spontaneity is no longer a thing for me, unless I’m really interested. I have shit to do.
- I like to juggle *snickers.* What can I say?!?! I like variety. I usually end up dating a couple different guys for their strong suits. And when the negatives pop up, I just go to the next one until the previous one has a chance to chill. Ultimately make my dream guy out of any number of suitors (which also leads me to question monogamy… another post for another day)
- I’m super free spirited [Read: commitment-phobic]. That often means moving or traveling. A relationship [usually] requires some form of settling down and committing to a place and person. I’m not about that life.
- I’m “meh” on kids. I think most people settle down because they want children. With that off that table, what’s the rush?!?!
Everyone told me I’d change my mind when I was older. 28 they said. I’m 30. Whatever switch that makes most women want to sit down… I must aint get one. I’m going to have to find another wild thing and we can run off and be wild together.
It’s all fun and games until you have to make sacrifices.
Being a part time entrepreneur (working my way to full time) with a day job is the most challenging experience of my 30 years on this Earth. Add dating to the mix and you pretty much have a shit show. It’s been pretty exhausting to say the least.
It’s funny because I like to date guys who are similarly situated. You know – entrepreneural, driven, those type. They’re usually pretty impressed with my drive, that’s until it gets in their way When I say I’m working, but I’m not at an office – problem. When I’m unavailable for their whims on their days off – problem. I’m struggling to find the balance between what I need to do and making time to be social. Not to mention the guilt threshold – you know the point at which your well deserved turns too fun and you remember the mountain of work that awaits you.
The bottom line is being an entrepreneur is a whole other experience, especially when it’s not full time. It’s not a 9-5 and it can be difficult to explain why Sunday simultaneously is and is not an off day for me. How I can be home and busy working at the same time. Why I treat what looks like a hobby like a job. It’s not difficult to find a guy who claims to understand, but harder to find one who actually does.
The other day I was having a conversation with my friend about the lack of experiences we’ve had in regards to dating and sexual intimacy. We found ourselves feeling largely inadequate in comparison to some of our girlfriends who’ve been romping around in beds with boys and men for years! I offered that when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it most people don’t know what the hell they’re doing because it’s always going to be new! Consider this, when you enter into a new position (not sexually y’all! GET YA MIND RIGHT!) two people come together as complete strangers, they don’t know shit about one another so they don’t know what one another likes or dislikes so essence everyone is at some point inadequate. The point is this, if you are like myself and my girlfriend don’t beat yourself up for your lack of experience, there is someone out there that’s going to relish in your innocence. Trust me I know, I’ve had one be hella excited about it and aside from that I’ve never had a man bash me for my naivety. So when in doubt just talk it out, I generally explain myself away from the jump to give my suitor a better understanding of who I am and where I’m coming from. You can do the same, honesty can be a good thing and if he or she flakes the bump them!!
Recognizing patterns within yourself can be eye opening when you’re somewhat completely oblivious to your own behavior. The other day I watched Tracy McMillan on Own talking about dating and marriage and why so many women weren’t married yet. She made some really good points, none of which were new to me per se but just said in a way that related to the conversations I’ve had with girlfriends over the last few years. After I watching the interview I decided to read the blog post that started that started it all (Why You’re Not Married Yet @HuffPost.com) and ordered her book, Why You’re Not Married Yet: The Straight Talk You Need To Get The Relationship You Deserve.
After the interview I started thinking about my own dating and relationship woes and whether or not I even want to be married in the first damn place. Tracy say’s to just admit it, you want to be married, so for the sake of not lying to myself I’m willing to admit that yes there are times that I think I want to be married but I am no where near marriage material at this stage in my life. But to be really honest I’m not all that certain as to what exactly marriage material is in the first place. I can’t say that it’s because I didn’t have good role models and all that deep psycho babel, because that could partially be the case, but truth be told my parents were committed to one another for the majority of my life and they legally married when I was about fourteen. Their relationship seemed like a functional one although void of emotional expressiveness from my vantage point as a child, they seemed to get along ok. I would say that I was more so oblivious to their relationship primarily because I don’t recall paying much attention to their interactions. I wasn’t the most self involved child but I do recall being left alone a lot so when your by yourself all the time you don’t have to think about anyone else but you so that’s mostly what I did; think about what I wanted, what I liked, and what would work best for me.
I liked being alone because it gave me a sense of independence which is no different in my adult life, I’m alone now but I’m not lonely. So the idea of marriage to me is like a fairytale, something that happens for other people but not necessarily for me. Someone asked once if I really wanted to get married and if I actually wanted to have children, my first response was yes of course, but now that I’m in my thirties and really thinking about this marriage shit I’m beginning to wonder. In theory it sounds good and the friends I have who are newly married and happy make marriage look all sugary sweet and what not but I don’t know. I’m starting to think I’m becoming anti-marriage because I’ve been single for so long and have become accustomed to my independence and the freedom that goes along with it. I’m sure the skeptics will read this and say “oh she’s just bitter” or “she’s just saying that because she thinks she’ll never get married”, truth is I’m not bitter and I do sometimes feel like I’ll never be married but that goes back to my last statement about being free and independent. Marriage sounds good in theory but maybe it’s just not meant for me or maybe I just haven’t found the man who’s meant for me and I for him, shit who knows but at this point I’m content with working on myself and getting me together. The beauty about life is that we have time to decide what we want right? I won’t rule out the option out because any thing is possible!!