“Your departure’s long overdue now… Loneliness its time that I let you go. No more roooooooom in my life… for yoooou dear.”
Only a few good things come from my emotional crises. A clean house and Emily King. My emotional crises generally stem from anxiety which leaves me feeling very out of control and causes problems with my sleeping which makes me less in control the next day. I think they call that a cycle. If I’m lucky, I’m close enough to the weekend so that I get a reset and sleep and feel better within a couple days. But this last time, my trigger was on a Monday. Fuck my life and everyone around me, right? By Wednesday I was feeling so out of control that I only wanted to control the controllables. The one thing I can control is my space. I found myself up in the middle of the night, with work imminent no doubt, sipping Bedtime Tea, listening to Emily King and cleaning. That, friends, is a silver lining. I felt incredibly empowered in that moment. Emily was telling loneliness to get the fuck on and I was symbolically clearing my mind and actually cleaning my space.
Backstory this piece is pulled from my journal, it’s written as a steady stream of thoughts, rereading this now 3/4/15 I understand that it can be a little hard to follow. The mind of a woman going through an emotional and trying time can be a crazy, scary and sad experience!!! Either way I saw no sense to edit my writing, it is after all what I was feeling at the time and as authentic as it gets. This process is cathartic knowing that affords me the ability to relinquish my deepest emotional demons for the world to see and believe that at some point i’ll revisit this post and laugh at how crazy I was clutch my pearls and thank God I made it through!!
Stewing in the midst of it all, most days I can’t seem to escape the thick of my own thoughts. My mind runs rampant chasing around ideas in one direction or the next, constantly worrying about how A will effect B and how B will effect C and more often then not I find that my thoughts consume me. I know I’m not alone in this struggle of constantly worrying about anything and everything all the damn time so much so that I can’t sleep at night, focus during the day, and relax when I’m at home. Right now I’m having a hard time just dealing with the every day duties of regular life and I know it’s because I’m currently struggling with extreme case of anxiety. I’m starting to think I have an anxiety disorder but I wonder if it is possible to experience a disorder temporarily? That sounds crazy right? Here would be one of those times where I start picking myself apart, because I feel like a failure or like something is wrong with me because I can’t keep it together or because I can’t fix it, I can’t make my worrying go away. Although logically I know that none of this stuff is true, again it’s hard to get a grip on my thoughts when they seem to start spiraling. Typically when my anxiety is overflowing is when I have the hardest time shutting them off, my friend told me I need to take better care of myself before I mess around and have a heart attack, and now I worry about the possibility of that. My constant worrying is unending and though I’ve prayed, and continue to pray I believe God helps those who help themselves. I think it’s time I brought someone else into to my head, if nothing else they may be able to help me relax.
have you ever experienced anxiety? how do you deal with your anxiety?