Recognizing patterns within yourself can be eye opening when you’re somewhat completely oblivious to your own behavior. The other day I watched Tracy McMillan on Own talking about dating and marriage and why so many women weren’t married yet. She made some really good points, none of which were new to me per se but just said in a way that related to the conversations I’ve had with girlfriends over the last few years. After I watching the interview I decided to read the blog post that started that started it all (Why You’re Not Married Yet @HuffPost.com) and ordered her book, Why You’re Not Married Yet: The Straight Talk You Need To Get The Relationship You Deserve.
After the interview I started thinking about my own dating and relationship woes and whether or not I even want to be married in the first damn place. Tracy say’s to just admit it, you want to be married, so for the sake of not lying to myself I’m willing to admit that yes there are times that I think I want to be married but I am no where near marriage material at this stage in my life. But to be really honest I’m not all that certain as to what exactly marriage material is in the first place. I can’t say that it’s because I didn’t have good role models and all that deep psycho babel, because that could partially be the case, but truth be told my parents were committed to one another for the majority of my life and they legally married when I was about fourteen. Their relationship seemed like a functional one although void of emotional expressiveness from my vantage point as a child, they seemed to get along ok. I would say that I was more so oblivious to their relationship primarily because I don’t recall paying much attention to their interactions. I wasn’t the most self involved child but I do recall being left alone a lot so when your by yourself all the time you don’t have to think about anyone else but you so that’s mostly what I did; think about what I wanted, what I liked, and what would work best for me.
I liked being alone because it gave me a sense of independence which is no different in my adult life, I’m alone now but I’m not lonely. So the idea of marriage to me is like a fairytale, something that happens for other people but not necessarily for me. Someone asked once if I really wanted to get married and if I actually wanted to have children, my first response was yes of course, but now that I’m in my thirties and really thinking about this marriage shit I’m beginning to wonder. In theory it sounds good and the friends I have who are newly married and happy make marriage look all sugary sweet and what not but I don’t know. I’m starting to think I’m becoming anti-marriage because I’ve been single for so long and have become accustomed to my independence and the freedom that goes along with it. I’m sure the skeptics will read this and say “oh she’s just bitter” or “she’s just saying that because she thinks she’ll never get married”, truth is I’m not bitter and I do sometimes feel like I’ll never be married but that goes back to my last statement about being free and independent. Marriage sounds good in theory but maybe it’s just not meant for me or maybe I just haven’t found the man who’s meant for me and I for him, shit who knows but at this point I’m content with working on myself and getting me together. The beauty about life is that we have time to decide what we want right? I won’t rule out the option out because any thing is possible!!
Backstory this piece is pulled from my journal, it’s written as a steady stream of thoughts, rereading this now 3/4/15 I understand that it can be a little hard to follow. The mind of a woman going through an emotional and trying time can be a crazy, scary and sad experience!!! Either way I saw no sense to edit my writing, it is after all what I was feeling at the time and as authentic as it gets. This process is cathartic knowing that affords me the ability to relinquish my deepest emotional demons for the world to see and believe that at some point i’ll revisit this post and laugh at how crazy I was clutch my pearls and thank God I made it through!!
Stewing in the midst of it all, most days I can’t seem to escape the thick of my own thoughts. My mind runs rampant chasing around ideas in one direction or the next, constantly worrying about how A will effect B and how B will effect C and more often then not I find that my thoughts consume me. I know I’m not alone in this struggle of constantly worrying about anything and everything all the damn time so much so that I can’t sleep at night, focus during the day, and relax when I’m at home. Right now I’m having a hard time just dealing with the every day duties of regular life and I know it’s because I’m currently struggling with extreme case of anxiety. I’m starting to think I have an anxiety disorder but I wonder if it is possible to experience a disorder temporarily? That sounds crazy right? Here would be one of those times where I start picking myself apart, because I feel like a failure or like something is wrong with me because I can’t keep it together or because I can’t fix it, I can’t make my worrying go away. Although logically I know that none of this stuff is true, again it’s hard to get a grip on my thoughts when they seem to start spiraling. Typically when my anxiety is overflowing is when I have the hardest time shutting them off, my friend told me I need to take better care of myself before I mess around and have a heart attack, and now I worry about the possibility of that. My constant worrying is unending and though I’ve prayed, and continue to pray I believe God helps those who help themselves. I think it’s time I brought someone else into to my head, if nothing else they may be able to help me relax.
have you ever experienced anxiety? how do you deal with your anxiety?
Pulled from my journal
You ever just feel so overwhelmed that the slightest inquiry someone makes about you sends you off on a tangent about how your life is spiraling out if control? Tuh, well that’s been me for the last few weeks and most recently I feel like I said too much and to the wrong person or people for that matter. Like just because someone asks you a question should you answer them truthfully? Meaning if they’re genuinely attempting to pull something out of you, should you be forth right with your thoughts?Understanding that there is a time and place for everything, is it ever a right time to express how you feel when your in an unhappy situation? All these questions come to mind because I’m trying to figure out where I’m going in life and what I want to do. Do I stay in a job that’s literally killing because it pays the bills and offers some sense of security or do I leave and take care of my health? I’ve made strong efforts to change my way of thinking and to remain more positive about my job, but at this point all has been done so at the expense of my health and all the work that I’ve done seems to be for nothing. I’ve asked for guidance from trusted friends, elders, and mentors, and no one has given me one clear cut answer everyone’s response has fallen on one side or there other causing it to constantly be split down the middle. I know the decisions have to be made by me,but damn if this decision making process hasn’t been hard! I’ve prayed about it and I recognize that I have to trust the process, but sometimes I have questions, sometimes I worry that I will make the wrong decision and then I come back to the resolve that if I prayed and asked God to fix what I cannot then I have to step out of the way and let God take over, if I believe as I claim to then I know that God has got it.
When I stopped writing and someone else took over:
There are things about myself that can be changed, there are things that I am actively working on every day but at the same time, just as hard as I am working there are forces going against my onward and upwards progression. What do I do? Should I change the direction I’m looking in? That is after all what I have done before, anytime I was unhappy in a job I left and started afresh somewhere else, found comfort in freeing myself from dead end situations. I need to trust the process and stay the course, while this may not be the time to immediately jump ship, this is the time to get things right! To show and prove through all the adversity and not to let anyone beat me! I am capable of all things, to whom much is given much is required, I am divinely chosen so all things I do are done through God.